Winter Solstice

2018 vs 2023

Originally Posted on Instagram 12/8/2023

I had the most profound experience last week.  On Threads, there was a trend where people were posting pictures 5 years apart.  One from 2018 and one from 2023.  I looked at my pictures from 2018, and it brought back a huge flood of memories.  For the first time since the amnesia I experienced in 2021, I could remember what it felt like to be me back then.  

Last year, I did a project to help me remember who I am and what I’ve been through.  I looked through photo albums, social media posts, and read my journals.  That project brought back a lot of memories of the things I had done, but it felt like learning about historical events in a way disconnected from actually experiencing them.  Remembering what it felt like to be there for those times has filled in a lot of gaps.

In 2018, I made so many decisions that have gotten me to where I am now in my life.  I have so many things now that I wanted then.  In 2018, I stopped heavily drinking alcohol.  I committed to getting sunshine, exercise, and regular sleep for my mental health.  I moved from Boston to LA.  I started going low contact with my parents during my move.  I started telling people I was no longer a member of the cult I was raised in.  I finished my last semester of college classes.  I also reached my all-time heaviest weight.  That is the main reason I wanted to go off antidepressants.  I tapered off my medication, and took my last dose on December 27.  Soon after, I found my first therapist.  I started to heal from the trauma and abuse I experienced growing up.  

I’m not where I want to be yet, but I have made so much progress since 2018.  I lost almost 40 pounds after going off antidepressants.  I have been able to book more work as a model.  I was able to get the surgery I wanted to have the body I have now.  I have read so many books on healing, and I have learned so much from therapy.  I know that I have broken the cycle of abuse in my relationships.  I am proud of the work I am doing to maintain my mental health, and experience my life to the fullest by allowing myself to feel my feelings, and work through the pain and abuse I experienced growing up.  I no longer have people in my life who can hurt me like my parents. 

Seeing these pictures has given me priceless pieces of myself that were missing.  I have so much appreciation for myself and what I was going through during that time.  I feel like I have been able to connect to the version of myself I was then.  The version that was brave enough to take the first steps down the path that has gotten me to this point in my life.  I had forgotten those things.  I haven’t remembered who I was for a long time.  Seeing myself in 2018, and remembering what it felt like to be there, and recognizing how far I’ve come since then has given me hope that things can keep getting better.  I feel like I have more to live for now.  I have a stronger belief in myself than I can ever remember.  I believe in another 5 years I can be in a much better place physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, because I am working so hard now, and I have been for so long.