Krystal, Cameron Skye, Goddess, Beyond Wonderland, San Bernardino, California, 2021
Originally Posted on Instagram 3/29/2024
Day of the Goddess.
Friday is the day of the goddess. Each day of the week is associated with a planet. Sunday—the sun. Monday—the moon. Tuesday—Mars. Wednesday—Mercury. Thursday—Jupiter. Saturday—Saturn.
Friday is ruled by Venus.
Friday is for date nights and dancing. Candle-lit dinners, desserts, and sensuality. Music and art. Frolicking in fields, and dreaming by the ocean. Friday is for watching the sunset, and the moonrise. A day of celebration and pleasure.
I love celebrating the day of the Goddess by recognizing my beauty. Being worshiped, and worshiping myself.
Today, I celebrated the winter solstice by watching the sunrise. The solstice is the shortest day of the year. It is the day we welcome the sun back into our lives, and the days become longer.
This is my third time doing this ritual. In 2021, I watched the sunrise not knowing if I could make it through another day. I was completely debilitated by PTSD flashbacks, and drowning in grief. As I watched the sun rise, I begged the universe to help me survive, and overcome the pain I was experiencing.
In 2022, I didn’t know where I would be for the next solstice. So much was changing, and I was letting go of many things that I had worked hard to have, but hoping for something better.
This year has been one of Renewal. I watched the sunrise from the place of my birth. This year I have started over. I have been working to restore myself with increased strength of existence. It has been a year of new beginnings. Because of this work, I have many new projects that are about to come to fruition, and be released.
I don’t know where I’ll be next year, but I know I will be in a better place. Even though the sun cycles through periods of darkness, it always comes back. The solstice is our reminder of the fact that it will return. There are brighter days ahead, and things can get better.
This week, I’m taking myself on a Spiritual Retreat. I’m participating in an Astrological Immersion, and Global Ancestral Womb Healing Council. I am taking the time to slow down and connect to myself. I am listening to my intuition and giving myself what I need. I am stretching, swimming, and walking. I am connecting to my body, mind, heart, and soul. I am taking the time to think my thoughts, and feel my feelings.
The last time I did something like this, I went on a solo trip to Mount Shasta. Then, I was going to think about my relationship with my parents, and started facing my emotions towards them. I thought I could work out everything in just that trip, but it was the beginning of the grieving process for me as I ended that relationship. It was the start to a deep inner journey toward healing.
This time, I am at the beginning of a change in my career. I’m expanding and growing into a new area. A project I have been working on is close to being launched. I am connecting to myself now, so I can move forward knowing exactly what I want and where I want to be.
Cannabis is a huge part of my mental health journey. I have been a medical card holder since 2019. Marijuana helps me regulate my moods and maintain my window of tolerance. It helps me stay in the balance between depression and anxiety. Smoking weed helps me when I get triggered and helps me come back to the present when I experience flashbacks.
Because of cannabis I have been able to manage my mental health symptoms without prescription medications since 2018. I prefer to be off prescription medications because of the serious side effects I experienced with them like weight gain and lower libido. Prescription medications have saved my life, and I believe they can be helpful when you need them, but I am so grateful to have an alternative that has been so effective for me. I’m trying to stay as high as possible…high on life, and cannabis helps me do that. 💚🌿
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Breast Cancer Awareness Month may be the only time I can openly talk about breasts, or the fact that I have them. My breasts are a huge part of my life and who I am. My breasts have served their main purpose and have fed four babies. I love them, and I care about their health.
Both my grandmothers had breast cancer, so I have been aware of the risk my whole life. However, outside the very clinical advice of performing monthly breast exams, and getting mammograms, we don’t talk about breast health enough.
Over the last two years, I have been focusing on my health, and have learned about the importance of the lymphatic system. The lymphatic system carries nutrients to the cells, and collects harmful substances found in the tissues. It is important to keep this system flowing for breast and overall health.
Here is a list of things I do to keep my breasts healthy:
1️⃣: Go braless as often as possible.
This allows movement and flow of blood and lymphatic fluids through the breasts.
2️⃣: Strength Training to keep my back and chest muscles strong.
This allows my body to be able to naturally support the weight of my breasts.
3️⃣: Move them, touch them, know them, love them.
Being familiar with my breasts helps me be aware of any changes. It also helps me to know how they look and feel throughout my menstrual cycle.
4️⃣: Lymphatic System maintenance
I do this by drinking lots of water, eating healthy foods that support my overall health, limiting alcohol, and my favorite-Lymphatic Massage.
I had the most profound experience last week. On Threads, there was a trend where people were posting pictures 5 years apart. One from 2018 and one from 2023. I looked at my pictures from 2018, and it brought back a huge flood of memories. For the first time since the amnesia I experienced in 2021, I could remember what it felt like to be me back then.
Last year, I did a project to help me remember who I am and what I’ve been through. I looked through photo albums, social media posts, and read my journals. That project brought back a lot of memories of the things I had done, but it felt like learning about historical events in a way disconnected from actually experiencing them. Remembering what it felt like to be there for those times has filled in a lot of gaps.
In 2018, I made so many decisions that have gotten me to where I am now in my life. I have so many things now that I wanted then. In 2018, I stopped heavily drinking alcohol. I committed to getting sunshine, exercise, and regular sleep for my mental health. I moved from Boston to LA. I started going low contact with my parents during my move. I started telling people I was no longer a member of the cult I was raised in. I finished my last semester of college classes. I also reached my all-time heaviest weight. That is the main reason I wanted to go off antidepressants. I tapered off my medication, and took my last dose on December 27. Soon after, I found my first therapist. I started to heal from the trauma and abuse I experienced growing up.
I’m not where I want to be yet, but I have made so much progress since 2018. I lost almost 40 pounds after going off antidepressants. I have been able to book more work as a model. I was able to get the surgery I wanted to have the body I have now. I have read so many books on healing, and I have learned so much from therapy. I know that I have broken the cycle of abuse in my relationships. I am proud of the work I am doing to maintain my mental health, and experience my life to the fullest by allowing myself to feel my feelings, and work through the pain and abuse I experienced growing up. I no longer have people in my life who can hurt me like my parents.
Seeing these pictures has given me priceless pieces of myself that were missing. I have so much appreciation for myself and what I was going through during that time. I feel like I have been able to connect to the version of myself I was then. The version that was brave enough to take the first steps down the path that has gotten me to this point in my life. I had forgotten those things. I haven’t remembered who I was for a long time. Seeing myself in 2018, and remembering what it felt like to be there, and recognizing how far I’ve come since then has given me hope that things can keep getting better. I feel like I have more to live for now. I have a stronger belief in myself than I can ever remember. I believe in another 5 years I can be in a much better place physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, because I am working so hard now, and I have been for so long.
